http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2013/11/diy-death-natural-home-funerals
I had no idea there was growing interest in the idea of " Do It Yourself" funerals and such. I guess it shouldn't be surprising. Here I am with a blog about all sorts of DIY projects, simplifying your life and trying out old and new methods for being greener and healthier. This totally makes sense!
I found the article to be very sincere and touching and was a bit teary eyed watching the video of the sweet young couple talking about the passing of their precious little girl. It just seemed so "right" the way they handled her death and the hands on way they approached it. I was especially touched that her Dad made her tiny casket and took such care of her remains. It was right for them...
Honestly, I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I am ready to show my respect for anyone that would honor a deceased family member in the loving and dignified way these people have.
I believe our Western society has been programmed to do things a certain way when it comes to death and the passing of a loved one. Until recent years it never occurred to me there were many ways to mourn or memorialize a deceased family member.
The idea of embalming does seem quite antiquated to me. The expense of a funeral with all the trimmings really is quite obscene. Being presented with a $10,000.00 bill in your darkest hours just doesn't seem right. It just seems like that's the way it is. But, maybe it doesn't have to be...
I had no idea you could build your own casket. I would guess each State has their own rules and regulations and you would need to do some research for your own area. I have every intention of doing just that. My Hubs built our home. He built our beautiful chicken coop and our amazing outdoor kitchen. He built our deck and our front porch. He built our square foot garden. I'm sure you can see where this is going...
When my sweet Mother died an untimely death many years ago we escorted my Dad to the funeral parlor and took time and care picking out her casket. It wasn't ornate or fancy. It was a beautiful polished wood casket with a delicate velvet pale pink lining. I believe the price tag was around $5000.00. It was lovely as caskets go. It served its purpose and as the final bed for our Mother. It was viewed for one day and then gently lifted into the ground in a lovely spot in an old city cemetery. That beautiful wood casket didn't lessen the pain of losing our Mom. It was just the thing to do at the time.
I personally don't see the need for such a casket. I would be honored to have my final resting place in a plain, unfinished pine or cedar box lovingly fashioned by my husbands hands. I would like knowing that in his time of sadness and grief he wasn't presented with a $5000.00 bill for a casket that would reside underground for eternity.
Five years ago my husbands Mother passed away. She was visiting family at the time in another State. It was decided to cremate her remains by extended family members and not try to ship her body home for burial. My Mother-in-law was elderly, with little relatives and family remaining. She wasn't a social woman and didn't care for fuss and ceremony. A funeral didn't seem quite right. Yet, we felt strongly we needed to have some sort of memorial for her and we wanted to honor her in a way that seemed right for her and for us. We wanted our children to be able to mourn their Grandma with family and friends and find solace and closure. We felt it especially important as we had not been able to say good-bye and it all seemed slightly unreal.
We decided to run a small obituary in the newspaper and to host an intimate gathering of friends and family in her home. My son and I went to a store specializing in tropical plants. He picked out two beautiful orchids for the open house. They were his Grandma's favorite. We put a small photo album together and opened it on her coffee table for anyone interested. We had a lovely catered buffet of smoked salmon and hors d'oeuvres. We offered wine and other assorted beverages. We had no idea if anyone would come. It didn't matter. We did it to honor Grandma and to honor ourselves in our grief.
As it happens about 40 people came throughout the afternoon. It was warm and special and meaningful. People stayed for several hours and told my children unheard stories of their Grandma. They browsed pictures and shared memories. There was no impersonal funeral home. It didn't follow the expected "norm" in our city and local culture. It was the right thing to do...
The above mentioned article hit my Facebook page about 2 weeks ago. I was interested and intrigued by the timing. My Father had passed away just 3 weeks before. Of course his passing has been on my mind and this article caught my eye.
"Funerals are for the Living"...how many times have I heard this over the years and what does it really mean? I would guess that we all have different ideas about what a meaningful funeral or memorial service is. What's right for me and my family certainly may differ from what is right for your family. I don't believe there is a right way or a wrong way. I think that what's important is that it's right for you. I believe it needs to address your own grief and mourning in a healing and positive way. I like the idea of getting rid of rituals that no longer serve a purpose for you or are costly and ineffective in the grieving process. I think DIY funerals are important and sincere and meaningful. I think they are for the "Living".
After my Mother passed away my Father remarried. He married a woman who wasn't interested in a relationship with his children. Nor was she interested in HIM having a relationship with his children. Sadly, as the years went by my Father became less and less involved with myself and my brothers. A surprising awkwardness grew and spread like a noxious weed. We faded into the background and became insignificant in my Dads life.
When my Dad passed, me and my siblings were not included in any funeral or memorial planning being done by his wife. Really, it was no surprise. Whatever was planned on her part would not have been meaningful or healing to us anyway. "Funerals are for the Living"...My Dad was gone...It was time for our DIY memorial. It was time for us to find a way to grieve and comfort each other and honor our Dad in our way. I have 3 living brothers. I live in the same State as only one of them. One brother arrived from out of state and one arrived from out of the Country. What a lovely reunion it was. It had been years since we had all been together. It had possibly been since my dear Mother passed away and everyone arrived for her funeral decades ago! There was excitement and sadness and highs and lows. There were bright, happy cousins reuniting and hugging and loving each other. There were brothers and a sister that were mourning the loss of a father that had been gone from their lives for a long time.
We learned a lot from this experience. We made it ours. We made something meaningful and loving and special. We jointly composed an obituary and emailed it back and forth until it seemed just right. We found a beloved picture of my Father as a small child in Canada and chose to attach it to his obituary. We all felt good about that. Some of us felt strongly that we wanted to see Dad and say our good-byes in person. I was able to locate the funeral home he was a guest in. I called and inquired about having a private family viewing with my Dad. They happily accommodated this request and we set up a time for the visit. We were discreetly escorted to a beautifully outfitted room on the lower level of the mortuary. I hadn't been sure what to expect. The Funeral Director encouraged us to spend as much time with Dad as we'd like. He offered to bring us beverages if we wished. As he left he closed the ornate glass doors to our viewing room. Inside, my Father was laid out in his casket (I bet it had a $5000.00 price tag!) He was dressed in his burial clothing and he looked quite like himself. I hadn't seen him in 3 years. He seemed small and fragile. Me and my brothers stood at the side of the casket for
a time. I'm not sure how long. We chatted a bit with Dad. It was quiet and serene in the room and it made me want to talk in a low voice. One of my brothers patted his hands...
We migrated to the plush overstuffed velvet couches and sat for over an hour. We talked and reminisced and it brought back memories of when we came to this same funeral home and picked our Mothers shiny wooden casket. We mourned in private and without having to do or say the right things that would be expected in a crowd of his acquaintances. We began the healing process.
When we left the mortuary that afternoon we all headed to our favorite restaurant. An institution in our family. A place we have gathered for most family celebrations and weddings and for after funeral sustenance.
Me and the Boys!!! What a reunion...I love these guys...Yeah...I'm the youngest ;)
My Fathers grandchildren and great-grandchildren all gathered around and loving each other.
The following evening me and Hubs hosted our "official" memorial service in honor of Grampy. Our home was filled with love and laughter, tears and memories. Brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, first cousins and second cousins sitting together and hugging each other and holding each others babies.
The beginnings of a "memorial" table in Grampy's honor. I found some ancient fun pictures from our childhood and a small and rusted toy gun that belonged to an innocent little boy living in Canada many years ago. The original color picture used in our obituary hangs in this room in my home. This same small boy holding a little ball and posing for the camera.
Hubs built a warm and inviting bonfire in our backyard under a huge bright moon. We shared stories and memories. Bittersweet...Some of us had written letters and good-byes and after reading them we tossed them in the fire...There was so much warmth around that fire and it wasn't all because of the flames.
I made dinner for everyone in honor of Grampy. A simple dish compliments of my Dad. Something we ate all through our childhood and still crave today. "Funerals are for the Living" and we are all very much alive.
I'm going to continue my studies of alternative ways to mourn our loved ones. I think this DIY may really catch on. I hope it does...it was the right thing for us.
Grampy's Famous Beans and Ham
(I amp his recipe up a bit from the depression era it came from...HA!)
In a large stock pot cover a package of Navy beans or Great Northern beans with water and soak overnight. (I love this recipe because it can be as big or as small as you decide) I made a huge batch to feed everyone.
The next day, rinse the beans well and return to the pot. Add a ham hock or bone in ham and several cups of the cubed ham. Cover beans with organic veggie broth and simmer for about 2 hours or until the beans are tender. Add any amount of carrots and celery and continue to cook on a low simmer for another hour or so. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Just before serving add an entire cube of good quality butter and 1 can of canned evaporated milk. When butter is melted and milk is stirred and incorporated it is ready to eat!
It's seriously delish!
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